|
Email your questions to heydief@hotmail.com
*you may be anonymous if you wish
January 25, 2004
Okay Dief, so I have this problem. I can't
talk to girls. I mean I can't make eye contact, can't get them to realize
I exist, and I can't even take them to Disneyworld anymore. I've tried
everything; anything from the traditional "what's the weather going to be
tomorrow" to the confident-builder "Hey, I know I'm ugly and that's sad, but
you're not really that bad so why don't we go play Skee-ball?" I don't
think I am doing anything wrong, but I know my lucky 4th grade Camp Counselor
t-shirt will come through in the clutch for me anytime now. Please help
me, I haven't made-out with a chick since Hypercolor shirts were popular.
Ryan
Charleston, West Virginia
Ryan-
First of all, get the heck out of West Virginia!
There hasn't been any action there since it was a part of Virginia, and that was
back in the late 1980's. Okay, let's start with your choice of
hobbies.....Skee-ball......Disneyworld? Don't get me wrong, who doesn't
love a game of Skee-ball from time to time or a trip to Disneyworld, but you are
going to freak-out this complete stranger by asking if they would like to go to
Disneyworld with you. Even the most desperate woman will not jump at that
opportunity, unless they still like paint-by-number. I found that a recent
study* showed that women are more attracted to men who act like themselves than
complete tools. With that being said, I think you are trying to be someone
else. Maybe Nick Lachey, maybe Carl Winslow, but the bottom line is that
you need to be yourself. Even if that is a complete loser who still enjoys
playing with Lincoln Logs. Go out there (with a new shirt....4th grade
camp counselor shirt....god you must be a tool) and find that special someone.
And try not to use those smooth one-liner about the weather and your 6th grade
soccer team winning the championship story. Heck, if all else fails, just
let them you have a lot of money and your from Milwaukee.....
-Dief
May 5, 2003
So Dief, I have a problem that I'm not sure how to deal with, or whether I
should deal with it at all. See, at one point in my life, I had two best
friends, and I thought I had to choose between the two of them, of which one
could be my ultimate best friend. I decided not to choose, and just have them
both as my best friend. Well, I got involved with one of my best friends and
the other became jealous. However, I didn't do anything about that, I just
continued being involved with one of them. Well, as always in my life, the
relationship came to an end, and we remained best friends, which is a great
thing in general. Anyways, later on, I became involved with the other best
friend, and that was another story in itself, but a fun time while it lasted.
So, one best friend finally moved away after graduation, and the other best
friend became distant as well. So, I ended up losing two of the greatest people
in my life all in the same year..... Now, my question is, do I go out and try
to find a new best friend, knowing that I know they can't possibly match the two
previous best friends I've had, or do I continue life without a best friend, and
just never have someone as close to me as they were? Lost with
thought.........
Sleepless in
E.L.
Sleepless Soul-
Friends are people who you get along with, joke
around with, and share memories with. Best friends are all of these things
and more; they can almost sense what you are thinking at any given moment.
Unfortunately, best friends are hard to come by and don't just end up on your
doorstep. Having a best friend takes years of building a solid foundation
that a great relationship can be placed upon.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, 'am I looking for a best
friend, or am I looking for a best friend to hopefully one day fall in love
with?' From the context of your email, it would imply the later of the
two. In that case, there are a couple of things to consider.
It's hard balancing the two sides (two best friends) that are both extremely
close to your heart. When people are in serious relationships, it is easy
to not necessarily forget about others close to you, but at least give them less
attention than they have come accustomed to. Sometimes, the two sides
think that only one of them will eventually 'win' your sole interest, and they
feel like they can not both exist in your life. The honest truth is that
they can both coexist, it just takes some understand and communication on all
ends. Now, in your case it appears that for different reasons, both of you
best friends have left your life for the time being. At the initial onset,
this would appear to be devastating and impossible to find something so special
again, but I think there can be some good from all of this. The key is to
step back and try and learn from yours and there mistakes that caused for the
downfall in each of the relationships. The past can teach you just about
everything you need to know to have a better future.
Now, finding a best friend is something truly special like a rainbow on a sunny
day. Unfortunately relationships, like rainbows, don't always last.
Relationships are just as unpredictable as rainbows; you never know when they
will appear so don't go searching for them, they will find you. So, my
advice to you is not worry about how to find your own rainbow because you will
never know when it will emerge. Life is full of surprises, you never know
when a rainy day will shine through with your forever rainbow.
Keep shining.
-Dief
March 25, 2003
Hey Dief,
I was just surfin' the web on a bad day
when I came across your site. Got a little bit of a girl problem that I was
wondering if you could help me with. I asked this girl out earlier in the
semester and she said yes. The day of, she emails me and says that she 'forgot'
that she has tickets to the ballgame that evening. So, I get in contact with
her and reschedule. Again, at the last second, she tells me that she has
friends coming in to see her and that she can't (never in person). I don't know
what the hell to think: ordinarily I'd forget about it, but she genuinely ACTS
like she likes me when I talk to her. What do you think?
Anonymous Male
Lexington, KY
Lonely Lexington~
The mind of a woman is a puzzling thing.
Sometimes you think you are doing everything right, when in actuality you are
doing the exact opposite of what she wants. Other times you think they are
into you, when all they really want is attention. In your case, it appears
that your woman is one of three things:
1. A flirt. A
lot of girls like getting attention in the form of flirting. What sucks
about a flirt is she is exactly that, only a flirt. There is no chance at
nailing a flirt because all they want is attention not affection. These
types of girls also have at least 3 boyfriends at any given time. Man, if
only chicks could be cool with a guy having 3-4 girlfriend life would rule.
Flirt Probability: 25%
2. Unintentionally
leading you on. Sometimes two friend will start to hang out
more and more because they like each others attention and are getting along
really well. Well what ends up happening is someone ends up getting more
emotionally attached than the one person is. The attached person makes a
move and asks the other one out. The other person is clueless that their
friend has hidden feelings, and when they start to hang out more they finally
will realize this and freak out. Almost all girls freak out when they find
out you like them when they don't feel the same way; they start to ignore you
and give you some of the most stupidest excuses for not being able to hang out.
Not cool at all. I think every guy has dealt with one of these at some
point in their life.
Leading you on Probability: 25%
3. She wants you hardcore.
What makes me thinks this is truly the case is for the fact that
you mentioned that 'she genuinely acts like she likes me'. Like all
people, things come up in life that people forget about in the heat of the
moment, and then feel like crap when they realize they have a conflict in their
schedule. Since you have made two full efforts to go out with this girl,
I would DIEFinitely say the ball is in her court to ask you to do something.
Another key aspect is was she really apologetic when she told you that sometime
had come up? But, like in almost every relationship the best way to find
out how someone truly feels like is to talk to them in person. This is
always hard because of the chance of rejection, but like me tell you one great
piece of advice: The chance that she truly feels the same way as you, no
matter how minute it may seem, is always worth taking because the feeling of
love will outweigh the feeling of 1000 rejections. So, go for it man.
She wants you Probability: 50%
Hope that helps.
Good luck.
-Dief
September 3, 2002
Dief-
I am having a serious problem. Every time I watch Baywatch,
I sit with my friends and pretend to oogle over the hot chicks but I find myself
staring at David Hasselhoff's glistening pecs. I am not sure if this is a
phase but I am having wild and ferocious fantasies of other men. Is this
normal? Please help asap.
Anonymous Male
Seattle, Washington
Anonymous Male-
Normal? Well, despite how easily David Hasselhoff's
pecs might glisten in the sun, it sounds like you suffer from a real-life
problem that occurs in one out of over 4 guys in today's society called Homosexuality,
which is perfectly normal. Now first and foremost, I have absolutely
nothing wrong with homosexuals despite myself being the pleasure machine of
the Midwest, but I did notice that you are from Seattle, which I found
a few interesting facts in correlation. In Seattle, there are 298 cloudily
days
out of the year, which has caused a increase in homosexuality in males from
1 in 4 to almost 2 out of 8*. Despite finding those numbers shocking,
I also found that Seattle is also the number one seller of Ben and Jerry's
Ice Cream**. What else could possibly help cope with a low
self-confidence on a cloudy day than a little B & J Ice Cream?
Since homosexuality has been found to be related to genetics, there is
nothing you can do about it except perhaps go out with let's say Britney
Spears and truly find out if you are truly a homosexual. Hope that
helped out.
-Dief
*Yes,
I am aware these are the same ratios
**Seattle was actually number 65 not number 1 on 'The List', which does not
exist either
December 16, 2001
Dief-
Hi, it is that holiday season and like most people around
this time of the year, I really need some advice. My girlfriend, Girth,
has been getting really excited about this upcoming holiday season. Our
one year anniversary is conveniently on the 25th of this month, and by chance
Christmas happens to also fall on the same day this year. I want to get
her something really special for our anniversary/Christmas gift and I have no
ideas. To help you out I guess, I should probably tell you a couple of
hobbies/things she likes to do. Probably her favorite thing to do in the
whole wide world is to shovel snow off our driveway. Sometimes she gets antsy
in the middle of the summer and throws the fresh lawn clipping on the driveway
and pretends they are snow and shovels off the grass. The best part about
it, which is why I love her, is that she is fully decked out in winter attire
during this shoveling experience. Besides shoveling, she also like to
watch the channel Lifetime. Anyways, please help me; Christmas is
early this year so sooner the better! Thanks.
Darren
Tulsa, Oklahoma
Darren-
Well, you seems like you are an interesting character.
I will not even being to get into the whole business of what day Christmas falls
on each year, but since I am such a nice guy, I will disregard this and try to
help out a brother. Your girlfriend, Girth, seems like a very lovely woman
and probably would enjoy anything you would give her this Christmas, as long as
it came from your heart. But, if you are looking for specifics, I have a
couple of ideas. First, there is nothing better to wear while shoveling
snow or your choice of organic material than a heydief.com hooded
sweatshirt. She will not only be kept warm from the sweatshirt, but will
be kept warm from your overwhelming caring and kindness that will be radiating
from your sweet heart. If you do not want to give an all romantic and
emotional gift, like the sweatshirt, then I would have another suggestion.
How about a puppy? All women love puppies, and besides yourself, Darren,
there is nothing better to cuddle next to and watch Lifetime than a loveable
puppy. When you give her the puppy, it may appear that all her attention
is suddenly on the puppy and that she has moved her love and affection solely to
the puppy, but let me reassure you that she may be looking at the puppy, but she
is about 3 seconds away from kissing you; not because she loves the puppy, but
because she loves you. Anyways, it appears that I actually gave real
advice; instead of tearing you apart. I guess everyone could use an extra
smile during this time of year. From heydief.com, happy holidays.
Hope this helps Darren.
-Dief
September 13, 2001
Dief-
I need help with my girlfriend, or rather soon to be
x-girlfriend. You see, I am thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend of
14 years. I know what you are probably thinking, '14 years? Damn
when did you guys meet? Kindergarden?' And the answer to that
question would be 'no, we actually met in Pre-School.' We started to go
out about halfway through 1st grade and we have been together ever since.
Everything has been great, except when last Tuesday came around; that's
when the large smelly stuff hit the fan. I found out that she had been
cheating on me ever since 3rd grade. I would have never caught her if it
wasn't for my best friends' video tape of his Seven Year-Old Birthday party that
I just watched last week for the first time. In the video it showed her
kissing this kid, Jose, on the cheek. Should I break up her over this malevolence
act of cheating? Please response as soon as possible. Thanks.
Rob
Knoxville, Tennessee
Rob-
I can not believe that you sent in this question in for me to
answer, but since you did write it with such compassion, I will answer it as I
do with all questions that I get. First, I would like to commend you on
staying with your girlfriend for so long. I know it must have been hard to
stay together for so long. Now in regards to your problem, if you would
like to label it as that. I looked over your problem, and decided to
investigate it further. So, I called your best bud's house and got a hold
of the birthday party footage*. After looking at the 'kissing scene' in
instant replay over and over again, I have come up with this conclusion.
Your girlfriend never kissed Jose. Actually, the girl in the video was not
ever your girlfriend, it was my sister. I am not positive, but I may have
been watching my own copy of my sister's 10th B-Day from 87'. Who cares if
the video was not the one you were referring too, but it was video footage of a
birthday, though. So, basically my advice for you is to pick up the phone
call your girl, because she is worth it and she probably waiting for end of the
phone to ring. Go get her tiger.
-Dief
*Yeah, no such phone call was ever made. Also, I never saw
his video either.
September 1, 2001
Dief-
I have been with my current girlfriend for about the last 48
hours. About the first 33 hours were absolute bliss, but now there is a
huge problem. She has this innocent, but deadly pet-peeve that I can not
put up with any longer. I have been ignoring it for the first couple of
hours as if it were nothing, but trust me it is far from nothing anymore.
To put it simply, she farts. Not little toots that a 2 year old would
make, but rather the sound of an air-raid bombing attack from all
directions. Then just as if the sound was not enough, the deadly gas
reaches your nose. Please help! Is there any way I can break it to
her that it really bothers me that she craps her pants all the time?
John
Palm Beach, California
John-
Well for starters, that really sucks to be you. It
sounds like your girlfriend might suffer from a strict diet of beans and fruits,
which is okay if you can handle the consequences, but obviously she can
not. What I would suggest is buying a new air cleansing machine for your
house and to make sure that it is running 24/7. They are relatively
inexpensive at around $23,000 so you should have no problem affording one.
If that does not necessarily work, I would suggest joining her when she is practicing
her hobby. In a relationship it is always good to have a similar hobby
that you both enjoy doing so you can spend quality time together. So, if
you can't beat her, join her.
-Dief
September 1, 2001
Dief-
I have this serious problem with my college
classes. No matter what class it is or what time of the day it is, I just
have no desire to go. To get right to the point, I just don't care about school
anymore. I much rather sleep, eat large quantities of Starbursts (I am obsessed
with them, but that is a completely different story), or just lay around in my
boxers all day and watch reruns of Different Strokes. I personally
would have no problem with being lazy, but my grades seem to think
otherwise. Is there anyway I can get good grades and not ever go to
class? Thanks in advance.
Billy
Indianapolis, IN
Billy-
Despite what you may think, you have a very common problem
for a person of your age. A recent study* was conducted at Stanford
University that showed that 98% of their students between the ages of 18-23
would rather go to a tight party than study for an Astrophysics course.
Despite this being a popular past-time, you and all of those other 98% students
can not get good grades and not go to class, but I believe that this day could
be right around the corner. A day where professors will take our large
bills for high marks on our report cards with no questions asked except, 'do you
have change for a 20.'
Dief
*Yeah, this study was never conducted
|
|
