The History of Dief

Kevin Alan Diefenbaker came into this world on a beautiful April morning in the small east Texas town of Longview.  Weeks after his birth, Dief started to show his first early sign of his accelerated learning ability and overwhelming immediate assessment of life.  At only 5 weeks he learned not only the Texan alphabet but also the entire Portuguese language.  At nine weeks he built a birdfeeder with only wood scraps and scotch tape.  On his first birthday his mom offered to purchase 100 shares of his favorite stock for a birthday present.  Dief chose the fairly new company ‘Microsoft’ because the word ‘soft’ reminded him of his cherished blanket, Cornbread, which he held with the greatest delicately.  Five days after his second birthday he set the record for fastest recorded mile run ever by a toddler at six minutes and twelve seconds.  Weeks later he swam the English Channel without even the help of kid ‘floaters’.  In his third year he invented several American necessities like the ‘Slurpee’, bouncy balls, and ‘Icy-Hot”. 

Shortly after his 4^th birthday he napped his first girlfriend, the famed child star, Punkie Brewster.  At the tender age of six he was offered various jobs such as being the chief engineer at Texas Instruments, internship at the State Capital, and being child actor in commercials, but turned them all down in order to have proper nap and recess time.  When he was eight he asked Congress to pass a bill that would make March 19^th “Official Kickball Day.”  He started going to high school when he was nine and quickly become captain of both the football and badminton teams and excelled in the relatively new subject of Chemical Deformation of Hyperbolic Transverse Radioactive Algebra-based Analytical Calculus Proofs. 

Dief started college at Princeton University when he was twelve and received three degrees in various subjects by the age of fourteen.  Dief started acting after he got bored working for the US government’s special department focusing on the effects of condensation on northwest corner of a single exterior window in the Pentagon.  He landed lead rolls in “The Adventures In Baby-Sitting” and “Top Gun”, for which the later won him Best Actor honors.  He started dating, the then unknown Natalie Portman, when he turned 16 when his parents gave him permission to start ‘seeing people’ even though he persists his eyes have never been shut. 

When Dief was 18 he was picked up by the Denver Broncos to pay professional football.  Because of his long last name, the NFL players and owners agreed on a new rule changing the font size on all the football jerseys from Times New Roman 12 to 10.  On Dief’s 19^th birthday he sold all of his Microsoft stock in order to buy the perfect engagement ring for Miss Portman.  The two were married on their 4 four year anniversary off the beautiful coast of Milwaukee, which was broadcasted live on CNN and shown in 34 different countries worldwide.  And finally on his 21^st birthday he received a phone call from Daniel Webster’s great-great grandson who informed him that the word ‘dief’ had been added to the latest edition of Webster’s dictionary with the description as "something that is cool and stuff.”   

Or not so much… 

Kevin Alan Diefenbaker was born and raised in Texas before he moved to Michigan in 1992.  He is currently a senior at Michigan State University where he is majoring in Mechanical Engineering.  He currently resides in Troy, MI with his loving parents and sister, Kristie.